Have you ever thought how it would be to have a beautiful relationship with your significant other but with no passion at all? Well, that would be like eating Oreo cookies without the cream filling, right? Well, in this case, the cookie and the cream filling together make the perfect marriage. Now, in modern life where both partners work full time, raise children, and take care of the household chores, it can be easy to lose the spark—leaving little room for nurturing the relationship in the bedroom…
The question is: Is the perfect marriage is just a dream?
As a Couples Therapist and wife, I regularly see couples that go through ups and downs in how they feel about their sex life. One important factor to keep in mind is the different phases of a long-term relationship.
The Limerance Phase: The first phase is the lust phase, where romance is in the air. This is where chemistry, such as phenylethylamine (PEA), pheromones, and oxytocin kick in, which creates the feeling of passion—one could say organically.
The Trust Phase: This phase is one focused on answering the question: Will you be there for me? Each partner looks for actions from the other that will either show that there are genuine trust and support. Deep, right?
As couples move into the trust phase the endorphins and oxytocin production slows down. This does not mean that the relationship is doomed at this point! It means that in order to keep the romance and passion going, it needs to be action to show it. Remember that love is a verb that implies ACTION.
The Commitment Phase: During this phase, the marriage needs signs of loyalty and commitment, which when done correctly manifests in actions of appreciation. “SPICE” action is also important in this phase. Having said that, I want to share with you some hot tips to spice up your relationship and start DOING your part to keep the flame burning in the bedroom.
Let's start with:
- 1. Atmosphere – Is your bedroom a mess? That could be a turnoff. Make sure your bed and furniture is clean and arranged neatly to create the best ambiance.
2. Lighting – Some people care about having the lights on or off. This can be a big issue for some couples so don’t disregard the topic. Experts advise dimming the lights to have the perfect setting. Nevertheless, being in the dark can boost your senses and feel sexier. Either way, just choose whatever feels comfortable for you.
3. Perfume – Don’t forget about wearing perfume. Something mellow could be a safe bet. Wear the same perfume every time you want to get lucky so he/she can associate this scent with sex and/or romance. Apply just a bit behind your ears and neck to start the seduction game!
4. Lunch date – Head on to your mate’s office and surprise him/her for a romantic lunch date together. While sitting why not playing footsie under the table? 😉
5. Food – Try some aphrodisiac foods like oysters, strawberries, chocolate, avocado, etc. Experts say they can spike your sex hormones! So why don’t give it a try?
6. Drinks – Not only champagne can do the magic, but according to experts, a glass of beet juice, aloe vera juice, pomegranate juice, and some others can increase your libido and get you in the mood. Do the research!
7. Talk about your fantasies – Explore your fantasies together. It could be fun and it all can start like a game. Don’t be stingy with the details. I’m sure it can go a long way.
8. Music – Listen to some romantic music together while you cuddle. “If music is the food of love, play on”, said Shakespeare.
9. Give sexy lingerie – Give him or her the sexiest lingerie you can find in the mall. That alone can lit the flame in your bedroom.
10. Aromatherapy – Spice up your bedroom especially with rose essential oil. Experts say this is used as an aphrodisiac. Lavender, Jasmine, Sandalwood or Ylang ylang will do the work, too.
11. Love note – Place a love note in a room of the house where your mate can easily find it or inside his/her car. I’m sure you will make his/her day.
12. Massage class – Take a massage class and become your mate’s personal masseuse/masseur. There are several sexy techniques out there that you can explore. Your mate will be thrilled to discover your hands of gold.
13. Read erotic or romantic stories – Reading an erotic/romantic story to each other could put both of you in the mood. Being in the privacy of your bedroom and wearing your sexiest lingerie while reading can really help. So, go for it!
14. Sexting in the middle of the day – If you are in a stable relationship you may feel free to sext with your partner. Send messages about whatever turns you guys on. That will create a lot of anticipation.
15. Dance class – As I said in a previous post when couples dance they touch each other, they hug, they look into their eyes… It is good for the self-esteem, it is sexy and really beneficial for connection between couples.
16. Give roses – Buy red roses to be delivered to your mate’s office just because... That would be unexpected!
17. Acts of affection – Hug more, kiss more! Just show random acts of affection to your mate like running your fingers through his/her hair, cuddling while watching TV, caressing his/her face, etc. Just be spontaneous. These acts can take your relationship to a more intimate level.
18. Hold hands – Hold his/her hands as often as you can but without exaggerating. Timing is important. Holding hands is the unspoken language of togetherness and love and it can put couples in the mood too!
19. Love letter – Couples can write love letters to express their gratitude, to apologize for something or just because they want to share their feelings. Put your heart on a piece of paper and that will remain as proof of your love forever.
20. Fun games – There is a wide variety of games couples can purchase to start getting into the mood for sex. Visit a local sex store for ideas. It could be fun, so why don’t you try?
21. Pole dancing – Yeah! Why not signing up for a pole dancing class? You would drive your partner crazy and it would be a good workout for you. 😉
22. Bathe each other – Get physical with each other. After a long day at work, this can be a good antidote to unwind the stress and get in the mood.
23. Date Night – Couples who date regularly tend to be less stressed so they have better sex and intimacy. And, if couples are relaxed chances are that they will feel like going into a steamy encounter!
24. Big 6-second kiss – Offer a big passionate kiss as soon as your mate arrives home that lasts as long as 6 seconds. Research shows that longer kisses create feelings of connection. Tell him/her: I couldn’t wait to see you!
25. More time for you – Put your children to bed 20 minutes early so you can have quality time with your mate. Of course, turn off the TV and leave your cell phones in another room.
26. Be present – This one is very important! Focus on the conversation you are having with your significant other and really be present. Start working on your listening skills.
27. Feed your mate – How sexy would it be to feed your partner with a strawberry covered in chocolate while in bed?
28. Strip club – With some exceptions, couples have fun together at strip clubs. Going together can make an impact in your bedroom. Just make sure you are in the right mindset to enjoy it, as well as both be in agreement that it can be an enjoyable activity for both.
29. Watch a Movie – Netflix can become your ally. Get away from the PG-rated films and try watching something hot! Unfaithful, Secretary, The Little Death, Like Water for Chocolate, are just some of the movies you should save on your list to watch with your hubby.
30. Watch a Comedy Show – Laughter is so beneficial for your physical and emotional health, your sex life, your mental and also your spiritual life. Sharing some good laughs together may be very stimulating for the relationship.
31. Sending pics – If you feel like it, send him/her a very sexy picture to his/her cell phone. Just do it privately, of course.
32. Phones away – Put both phones away for a while or turn them off. It’s too hard to get started for romance if you hear your incoming texts or notifications.
33. Sex toys – Surprise your mate with a new toy tonight and empower your sex life. If you know your partner very well you can dare to choose a toy he/she will enjoy, and you too!
34. Light candles – Candles can help you set the ambiance for love. Be careful choosing the right scent though. For seduction, you want something lavender-ish or rose-ish scent candles… You can also try those candles that melt into massage oil. Wow, I think that would be sexy!
35. Socks on in bed – You may think that wearing socks in bed are not sexy, but according to new studies it helps reach climax during sex. So I leave this one up to both of you to debate! Lol.
36. Couples massage – Be open to schedule a couples massage. This is not a relaxation thing but a reconnection one. The good hormones released from a massage will make you feel more affectionate toward your mate and stimulated for more intimacy.
37. New make-up – This one is for the gals out there: Try new a full make-up including a glossy red lipstick and beautiful eyelashes. You will feel very sexy!
38. Striptease – Dancing for each other can be fun as well as romantic. Watch some videos on YouTube on how to strip to your mate for some tips.
39. High heels – Forget about those comfy sneakers you wear at home if you want to have a steamy night with your hubby and grab your gorgeous high heels. You will look fantastic!
40. Get help – If you’ve noticed that you are not in the mood for a long time, maybe there are some sexual blocks that are decreasing your desire. If that’s the case, get the help of a therapist. It’s worth it.
41. Hot conversation – A good technique used by some couples when they want to start the seduction game is talking about sex. You can start by saying:
One of the hottest things you do during sex is…
Do you know that my favorite thing about having sex with you is…
I feel sexually desired when…
42. New hair – Couples like some newness in the relationship. A simple thing like changing your hairstyle or a new haircut can bring some interest to the relationship leading to a closer exploration - if you know what I mean.
43. Long hug – Give your mate a 3-min. hug to start measuring his emotional pulse. A hug can talk to you so you will know if the time is good for romance.
44. The neck – The neck is an erogenous zone, so try to kiss his or her neck softly so you can put him/her in the mood for more.
45. Give sex a chance – If your partner is in the mood and you are not, but you feel mentally open to having sex, give sex a chance anyway. 10 minutes can transform your mood and turn on the desire.
46. Flirt more – Flirting can be the antidote to boredom. It is so beneficial for the relationship when couples flirt with each other. And, you can take it as far as you want…
47. Gym – Go to the gym together! This will burst your energy and your endorphins which is good for sex. While working out, wink your partner and let him or her know that you are watching him/her in that workout outfit.
48. Kiss – A good technique to leave your partner wanting more is to kiss him/her slowly on the lips long enough so he/she will want to explore more. That is hot, right?
49. Provocative picture – If you want to let your partner know that you want some action in the bedroom, go to a different room in the house and take a picture of yourself wearing something sexy and text it. I’m sure he/she will start looking for you everywhere in the house…
50. Whispering your desires – What is that you want from your partner when you are in the intimacy of your bedroom? Lean in closely and whisper your wishes in the ear. That’s a sure-fire way to get him or her in the mood!
Above all, have fun and enjoy trying them out.
To the success of your relationship.
Your therapy friend,
Sofia M. Robirosa
Sofia Robirosa is the owner of Infinite Therapeutic Services and is a Relationships & Parenting Expert. She offers individual, couples, and family counseling to individuals seeking to enhance their relationships. Her private practice is located in Plantation, FL. She attended Nova Southeastern University for both her Bachelor and Master Degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and in Business Administration. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a Leader in Active Parenting for children and teens, an evidenced based program. She is also a Certified Addictions Professional (CAP). She is a passionately committed therapist, who thoroughly takes pride and joy from her job. She enjoys working with a culturally diverse population and is bilingual in Spanish and English. She is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and an active volunteer of the Broward Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves her family, which consists of her husband, daughter, and two dogs. Some of her interests outside of work include spending time outdoors, traveling, and dining.